Fibs, porkies & rall stories - Why children lie...
Imagine the scene: your three year old is standing next to the table with chocolate smeared around his mouth. On the floor lies a piece of crumpled gold foil; the last bit of daddy’s Easter egg, which was on the table five minutes ago, is missing. You say to your son "Have you eaten daddys last bit of egg?" and he looks you straight in the eye and says "No mummy". It’s almost charming in its naivety and you are tempted to laugh. Don’t!
Youngsters are often confused about the rights and wrongs of lying because they observe adults telling ‘white’ lies all the time. Supposing a child has been in the house all afternoon with their mum and then they hear her, having forgotten to ring someone, answer a phone call by saying "Oh hello, I've only just got in..." The child will observe this and hle it away, just like the note they took in about their absence from school being due to a sore throat when really a long weekend away was on the agenda,
Children use their imaginations to make their lives better so if they’re a bit lonely, they may create an imaginary iriend. Parents often find this amusing and join in with this fantasy, including imaginary Jo-Jo in conversations and maybe even setting a place for him at the table. However, if Jo-Jo is blamed for any misdemeanours that his creator has been confronted With it becomes important to deal with the Fantasy
So why do children lie?
To preserve their self-image From around the age of six to seven years children Want to build a sense of their own identity and to have a really good sell"»image. They will deny doing things they feel guilty about because they don’t want to be in yoL1r bad books, but also because they don’t want to think badly of themselves (I don’t want to be the child who ate dad°s Easter egg and disappointed mum).
To get attention
Children often agree with others in order to be liked and may make up things to have in common with someone such as "I've got a black Labrador called Nellie, just like you". Often adults think younger children making things up like this is cute and charming and will go along with it saying "Oooh, have you really?!"
To avoid punishment
If a child feels that the punishment that they are likely to get is severe, or unbair, they will keep up the untruth for as long as possible.
To live up to high expectations
Declaring that they got 10/10 for a test when really they got 6/10 indicates that they are Worried about living up to what their parents expect and want them to achieve.
How should parents react?
How you react to an obvious fib is important. lf you get angry they may be too scared to tell you the truth in future ~ and next time it may be a more important issue. If they continue to deny a wrongdoing it’s best to say "Go and thing about it and then come back and tell me the truth" If you are both very angry it’s important to move away from the threatening situation by saying "Lets go for a walk/ sit on the stairs and talk this through somewhere else" When they do own up, give them credit tor that and ask them to apologise for the wrongdoing. Honesty is something children need to be taught and parents need to model that behaviour and explain the reasons for their occasional white lies. Children who feel loved and safe will soon learn that it is better to tell the truth. Helping them to develop a healthy conscience is something that will stand them in good stead for a lifetime.
Jill Knowles and Sue Twort are Professional Child Counsellor wirh Marchants House Therapy Center. www.childlight.co.uk
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